Did they tell you this before you had the kids

• that you'll cry when you hold your baby for the first time
• or that you'll also cry on his first day at school
• that you'll re-discover planes, trains, cars, rainbows, moon, stars, pink colour, water, rain, puddles, splashing, fascination for umbrellas
• or that you'd be delighted with these discoveries
• that you & your husband will have to sleep on 6 inches of a king sized bed while your 2 -feet tall kid occupies the balance 5 feet 5 inches of the bed
• or that you'll learn to sleep through a thousand kicks a night
• that your day will be made just by seeing the kid smile & hug you
• or that your heart will break each time you ground him
• that you'll learn the location of every restroom in every mall of your city
• or that you'll visit the zoo in every city you ever visit
• that when you travel, you'll take the entire house AND the kitchen sink with you
• or that travel will be all that you can manage to see between naps, pee-pee & poo-poo breaks
• that the only skill you'll ever use will be of negotiating - you'll negotiate on TV time, play time, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, sleepovers, veggies, junk food, everything...
• or that you'll move from using f*** 3 times in a sentence to "NO, I DON'T want you using the word stupid! Its a BAAAAD word"
• that the best sleep you'll ever have is when your baby is cuddled against you
• that your social calender will be all about birthday parties, dance classes, pick-ups, dropovers, babysitting
• that you'll actually be happy you have only boys because girl clothes are just too cute & expensive...
• that you'll spend more time cuddling your kids than your husband
• that you'll fret about religion, values, and manners - expecially when the in-laws come visiting
• that you'll actually learn to cook, just to please your kid ; or that you'll wait anxiously for your kid to say he likes what you cooked
• that you'll turn into that mum you swore you'll never be like - you know, that one who can't stop talking about her kids
• or that all your conversations will sooner or later end up at kids
• that you'll constantly wonder whether you're a good mother

Did they tell you any of this. They sure as hell, didn't tell ME anything...

Preparations for going "home"

Ever wondered what kind of a chaos each one of us goes through just before we visit our parents / in-laws for a holiday

• make a list (mentally, dodo!!!) of all the people you're likely to meet
• knock off the ones who you think don't deserve to be bought presents for
• rack your brains for the ones who are still on the list - for the best way to combine perceived value vs. money spent
• make umpteen number of calls to either set of parents to ask them what they want
• don't accept "nothing, we just want you" for an answer and then fret about what to buy for them
• come home and hide the presents from your kids, lest they open them
• show them to your husband when he returns bone-tired from work; and discuss them threadbare (X for so&so because of blah, blah, blah...) even though you know he'd rather be a million miles away from this discussion
• try fitting stuff into your suitcase a week in advance to judge how much space is "leftover"
• figure out suitable "phoren" presents for the entourage of maids so that you can safely answer the coy questions - bebi, mere liye kya le kar aaye ?
• think of how to keep the kids entertained on the flight - buy & hide stuff
• call your mum and discuss EVERYTHING
• start having sleepless nights because of the sheer excitement of going back
• start teaching your kids manners and how to behave with grandparents (say jai-jai, touch feet, no tantrums, etc etc etc) till they try to run away each time they see you
• try locating your salwar kameezes to wear back at home
• take out your bindis and bangles for the Indian bahu look
• wonder whether dad will have an objection if you venture out in a spagetti strapped blouse
• hoard chocolates and candy (from sales, of course), just in case, for those people who you forgot to buy stuff for (e.g. the bhabhi ki behen ki nand)
• make a checklist for the essentials - camera, diapers, favorite cars & teddies (heaven help you, if you leave these behind)
• check & recheck your tickets & passports
• wait for time to pass till you can finally gooooo.

Off to Mummy, Yay!!!

I'm off to India. To see my parents.
Just wondering... Why is it that even after n years of marriage, to me, going back to my parents house is going home.

Am so excited. Have been counting the days for a while now...9 more days to go

Just 9 more days to

• sit while the rest of the family gladly takes the kids off your hands
• not worry whether they've eaten
• have aaloo parathas, paneer parathas, samosas, jalebis, boondi, upma, poha, idlis, vadas for breakfast
• have awesome lunches 3 hours after I've stuffed myself with breakfasts
• sleep in the afternoons
• chat with my parents
• lazily look out of the window to see the world pass as I did over 15 years ago
• wait for dad to bring hot samosas in the evening
• catch up with friends & family I havent seen in a while
• hear someone say "Gudda" and know these pet words are for you, and not your kids...
• eat the mithai that no one else can ever duplicate outside my hometown
• listen to people exclaim - My God! Look at you! You've become so big; Your kids have become soooo big
• not have to decide the breakfast lunch & dinner menu
• have a leisurely bath
• see the kids trail their grandparents like happy slaves
• see the grandparents trail the kids like even-happier slaves
• go back to see my old haunts for food & for shopping
• marvel at the changes in the city since the last time I was here
• curse the 2 hour power-cuts and the horrible heat
• cry and tell mum that I'll NEVER visit during such horrible weather again
• answer umpteen answers about babies - NOOOO. I'm not having any more
• be exasperated
• be cranky
• be nostalgic
• be impatient
• be pampered
• be loved
• be at peace as I can never be anywhere else
• be restored
• be accepted unconditionally
• be myself

Aaaah, just 9 more days to go.

9 more days to be the child and not the parent....

When will they pass....

My dad made my day

A couple of days ago, I sent my son's progress report to my dad just to let him know how he was doing at school. There was an element of pride in me since he's doing well and the teacher loves him. I thought all of this would be interest to the grandparents.

And, I get this reply "I think my daughter did better than your son".

Let's be very honest. I LOVE the compliment. oooh... it feels good. The moment I read it, I had this smile on my face that was a mile wide. Its still there.

Thank you daddy, you really did make my day :)

Here I am

Here I am
waiting for my husband to get back home
waiting to pick a fight with him
waiting to make conversation with an adult
waiting for a suitable time to go to bed
waiting for my little one to wake up & ask for me - he does it every night -exactly 15 min after I've fallen asleep
waiting for my parents' call
waiting to be given a horrible chore
waiting for tomorrow - I get the car on Thursdays :)
waiting for my day as a thankless driver
waiting for people to visit my blog
waiting for people to comment on it
waiting for the time when I get to go back to India - 16 days
waiting to meet cousins I haven't seen in a really long time
waiting to see the look on their faces - you haven't changed one bit
waiting for the complaints from family I don't have time to visit
waiting for my best friend to come to KL - 6 months, may be more ?
waiting to bitch with her
waiting to show-off my new clothes
waiting to colour my hair
waiting to be the answer of a headhunter's prayers
waiting for a good movie on TV
waiting to finish this post

Here I am, waiting...

Why me?

Every evening, like clockwork, by 5:00 pm, the skies start to darken ominously and then the rain starts. Its not as if its a mild drizzle, its a full blown downpour. You may as well be standing under Niagara Falls. And that implies that no one in their right mind will go out. Since we think we're in our right minds, we're stuck at home.

Its just not fair. I'm convinced that the fates are conspiring against me. 5:00 pm is the time my kids go down to play. It gives me & poor Kaka a break from all the rockin-and-rolling that goes around in the house. But look at us now. We're all stuck in the house with wails of "I don't know what to do. Maaaaaa, I want to do something interesting. That's not interesting. You don't even know what's interesting" and so on.

I've switched the TV on. Thomas & Fireman Sam have been seen & digested; and they're back to ma with questions. I'm upto my neck answering them-
Kid : Why is it raining ?
Me : The clouds overflowed
Kid : When will it stop ?
Me : Hopefully soon
Kid : Can I go down ?
Me : I wish. But No, you can't. You'll get wet
Kid : Why not?
Me : I just told you, you'll get wet. That's not good for you
Kid : Why not ? What will happen if I get wet? Will I fall ill & die?
Me : (talk about worse case scenarios)No, you won't die, but you can get sick, and you'll have to miss school
Kid : I don't mind missing school, can I go out ?
Me : No
Kid : Do you think there will be a flood ?
Me : I don't think so
Kid : But last time there was a flood (PS: There wasn't). I WANT a flood, it will be fun (FUN, huh ???)
Me : No, there is going to be no flood
Kid (whiny tone) :What can I do ?
Me : Why don't you play with your toys?
Kid (more whiny tone) :No, I'm bored. Can I call my friend over ?
Me : (Ya right. As if I don't have enough trouble with 2 cooped up kids that I'll go ahead & borrow more.) No
Kid : You never let me do anything I want. You're not the boss. You don't love me


I need to be rescued. Someone, please make the rain stop & let me take the kids OUT.

Mommy Guilt

Is being a mother synonymous with guilt ?

All around me, I read about & listen to women who feel guilty because they work. They struggle at work, they struggle at home; and they struggle with guilt. I'm not home when my kid comes back from school, I had to go to work when my kid had fever, I don't get to spend quality time with my kid, I have to travel without my kids, etc etc etc.

Wow, at least they have a reason to feel guilty. But what about mums like me? I don't work but I still feel guilty. I'm at home but I still feel guilty. I don't travel but I still feel guilty.

Why, you ask? Why, Am I not entitled to guilt?
I feel guilty when I deny my kids something
I feel guilty when I'm at my laptop blogging while my kids are home
I feel guilty when I actively seek time away from my kids
I feel guilty when I want to take up a job
I feel guilty when I scream at my kids
I feel guilty when I don't volunteer my time at my son's school
I feel guilty when I have to take one of my sons & leave the other behind
I feel guilty when I make palak paneer instead of macaroni soup
I feel guilty because I can't teach my sons to swim myself
I feel guilty when I shoo my kids away while talking to my friends
I feel guilty when my husband & I tiptoe out for a movie
I feel guilty because I can't take my son to see his dream - Mt Everest
I feel guilty when I don't read my sons a story before bed time because I've had enough
I feel guilty when I see my baby asking for attention while my older one talks on & on

Oh there're hundreds and thousands of ways to feel guilty. Guilt is not the right of a working mother. To me motherhood is guilt. I am convinced it is. Mums who work feel guilty; mums who stay at home feel guilty.

So stop moping, and get used to feeling guilty.

Blogs are interesting things

Blogs are interesting things.
They allow you to be voyeuristic about other people's lives; and for others to know what's happening in yours. Half the things I've written about in my blog were just personal feelings, which I never thought about sharing with others. Why is it I have no qualms about publishing these thoughts on the internet. Perhaps its a sense of anonymity - mostly false (I know that)- but somehow it works for me. It makes me reach into my mind and produce material like I've never done before. It makes me feel as if I'm talking to people and then I don't feel lonely anymore.

Blogs are interesting things.
Blogs make you open up your own life to the scrutiny and judgment of others. Each time I write, I wonder what people think of this piece; whether I've given them another piece in the jigsaw puzzle that's me? What kind of person do they think I am? I'm very curious about knowing that. I don't know why. I also want people to like what I write; and this is strange, considering I've always thought I've had a "I-don't-care-what other-people-think" kind of an attitude.

Blogs are interesting things.
They teach you a lot about yourself.
They provide a lovely way of documenting your thoughts. I'm beginning to keep notes about myself; and about my family. When I'm older I'd have forgotten these days, these thoughts, these sentiments; but hopefully the blogs will survive. Maybe my kids will read them when they're older and they'll know me to be the person I am, not just as their mom. I wonder sometimes how I was so closed-minded earlier, that I shut off my mind to blogging saying - Oh good for people who write, I just can't. I regret I didn't start earlier but I'm glad I started.

Blogs are interesting things.
I'm so glad I blog.

Yet another side of me

I'm pretty narcissistic.

I often wonder what my role in life is....as in my role in my own life and that in other people's lives. I've written about my self in my older posts titled Who I am & 25 things about me. But obviously, with so much time to think, I had to come up with some more adjectives to describe me...

I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a lover, an employer, a slave, a driver, a cook, a handyman (or should it be handyperson ?), a writer, an investor, a nag, a peacemaker, a mediator, a friend, an eater, a traveller, a conforter, a resident, a protector, a teacher, a volunteer, a disciplinarian, a confidant, a reader, an accountant, an advisor, a planner, a travel agent, a listener, a speaker, a player, a decorator, a buyer, a seller, a thinker.

Wow, I play so many roles in my life...
Its an awesome feeling. Life, here I come !

The Comments worketh again

In the last week, I wrote a few posts. Now, I don't know if you know this; but my blog only attracts my loyal roomie's attention (PS: I'm happy I have a healthy ego, else this fact alone would have hit me hard and left me traumatized for the rest of my life.) Normally, V leaves a comment. But in this last week, I didn't see a single comment; and I was wondering whether V was mad at me; or worse still, disappointed with the posts.

As it turned out, the poor dear had been trying hard to write a comment; and my blog wouldn't let her. I can of course only blame the template; because that was the other thing I had changed in the last week. So of course I'm not happy. I've wasted a good number of hours trying to delete some code by trial & error (no, I don't know a thing about XML).

As of now, the Comment feature is working, though to comment, you have to really persevere. Please do me a favour; and do persevere. Its good for you, and of course excellent for my ego to be able to read your thoughts on my thoughts, if you know what Imean :)