Grief & How we deal with it

Have often felt that we feel grief as very private and happiness as public. Whenever I go back to my blog I realize that most of the postings were at times that I was at my happiest. And at that time, I was so okay with talking about my (mostly positive) feelings. But when the times turned hard, and when I felt low, I retreated to myself. Strangely my feelings turned private, and I was unwilling to share.

I have been asking myself why this is so?Why is it that when I am unhappy, I feel vulnerable? I've been thinking about it awhile and here is what I figured out-

To me, openly acknowledging that I am unhappy or that I am struggling is the equivalent to inviting pity, the "awww"s that I can do without. The well meaning advice "have you tried ...."; or, the "Be
strong, this too shall pass..." So many people I know are quick to offer hope, whether it is justified or not. (Its almost as if they know not how else to help). And when you bring yourself to hope and things dont get better the disappointment hits you hard. So the first instinct is perhaps, self preservation --> dont talk at all.

The other aspect is perhaps in viewing the state of unhappiness as failure. A failure to be happy? Or a failure to be in control of events that impacted my state of happiness!
No wonder there is the feeling of being vulnerable. And why would I (or anyone else) want to publicize my failure or vulnerability?

Lastly, I think unhappiness causes you to introspect. When one is happy, does one take the time to think why he/she is happy. At the time, we are so giddy with happiness, just reveling in that state; that we dont pause to think. But, when the things arent as hunky-dory, is that we stop, we startle and we think. The first question I feel that comes up is a Why?
Either its "Why Me? / What Did I Do To Deserve This?" or its "What Could I Have Done To Avoid This Situation?" While we go through the process of resolving this question (or its variant) in our minds, we end up retreating into ourselves.

Reasoning sounds coherent? Dont know if you agree or not. I am very curious to know what your answers are; so do take a moment to put that down for me...

The To-Do for 2013

The small and big things I need to achieve this year. In no particular order. 
My goal was to write 25; but I ran out of things to do. So if you have ideas, plis to tell !! I cant stop myself from putting items of this list into 3 categories - to organize my life better; retain stuff that's important to me; and, ways in which to challenge myself. So here goes -
1. revive my blog. perhaps rename it. MusingsinKL makes no sense when I am sitting in Bombay. Yes, Vinnie, I can see you nodding your head and thinking-I said so, and she didnt listen !! So help me figure out a new name for the blog. PS: Revival means -one blog post every fortnight sustained for at least 4 months? Acceptable? 

2. Get my bank accounts and all my paperwork into order. Sigh...this one will be tough. Daddy !!!

 3. Move towards writing the book. I already know I want it to be a kids book -for kids aged 4-7 years. Find a illustration artist who I can gel with. I know none yet. 

4.Take Arjun to Disneyland to bring in his first double-digit birthday 

5. Go out on atleast ONE date a month with the lord-and-master.
Go out on a nice family lunch once a month without snarling at kids / husband or questioning my own sanity. 

 6. Attend at least one wedding. In the 12 years since I've been married, i've only attended one wedding - Kim's. Single people, listen up. I want a chance to dress up and enjoy a wedding, so hurry up, will you? (And before you ask, no, I didnt enjoy mine. Does anyone?) 

7. See as many new places as possible without getting sacked (or worse, Lord & Master getting sacked). 
Options include: 
Go to Africa.Egypt? or Kenya?
Go back to KL for at least a long weekend. 
Go to Bhutan/ Coorg with Vinaya: as promised long long ago. 
Go to the Dead Sea: For the CEO who's dying to go there. Related: Be the wife that accompanies the husband on a business trip...never done it! 

8. Start driving. No, Musings, manual transmission + Indian roads cant get the better of you. Stop being scared. 

9. Scream lesser on the kids! Sigh... 

10. Learn something new, something that intimidates me- dancing? photography? or something else thats more exciting? what? hmmm...need to think this through. 

11. Find more peace with life in India. Be less critical. Right now, India still gets to me and makes me question why I came back and whether I should continue living here. 

12. Resist the temptation to buy a Kindle. i already have too many devices.Convince the Lord & Master to change his phone to a smart phone. No, he doesn't have too many devices. I've been at it for 2 years (or more?) and have had zero success. The man just doesnt listen! 

 13. Host more parties. Somehow, after KL our partying has gone down substantially. Perhaps because not too many like-minded friends where I live or the busy life in Bombay. 

14. Take better care of my body - bring down my weight to 45 (edit: now its a more realistic goal- 48 kg) and maintain it, be more regular with my vitamins, get the toenail infection treated, get rid of the cracked heels, and try for a flatter and tauter tummy. 

15. Leave room to find and copy a goal from someone else. As of now, I've scrolled through all the people putting up HNY messages, but I found nothing interesting that I'd want to copy.

Its a bad time to be a woman in India

Staying at home
Going to work
Going for a movie
Going for an ice cream
Going out alone
Or with girlfriends
Or with men - father, uncle, brother, husband, boyfriend or just friends not safe.
Being educated
Being from the classes
Being from the masses,
....nothing matters.
Being old
Being young
Being bright
Being right no defence.
At night
During day
In a cab
In a bus
Or on a train.
In the North
Or the South
The West
Or the East.
In a dress
or a skirt
In a saree
In a Salwar Kameez.
Whether docile
or confident
Whether polite
or rude
Whether quiet
or outspoken.
Nothing matters. No it doesn't.
Because women still get violated.
Raped, Violated and Killed.
Raped by boys, men and grandpas
Scarred by acids
Maimed by iron rods
Broken into small pieces
either in body or mind & soul.
Used like a pawn
In the name of power
Or revenge
Or honour
Or to teach someone a lesson.
A woman is not safe. Never safe in this country.
Is she to exist like this?
Is this my country?
Please! No!
Shame, Shame and more shame!