25 things about me

For those of my friends who aren't on facebook; this is an entry I posted there as a result of being tagged. I am supposed to write 25 facts about myself.

Since I'm such an interesting person, here's > 25 things about me. Incidentally, though these facts are all true; for all practical purposes, they are absolutely irrelevant to everyone else...

• I was quite a nerd in school. oh, those wasted years...But still, I knew about movies and gossip more than books.
• I grew up all over India. The good part is that I saw lots & made lots of friends. The sad part is that I have no childhood friends
• I never dated anyone other than my current (and hopefully, only) husband
• I want to get myself tattoo-ed, but sadly, I lack the courage.
• I read. I can read everything and anything. As a teenager, i read dictionary when I was bored. Now, I read Books, magazines, papers, instruction manuals. Menus (aah, nice!). I have a weakness for cheesy romance novels. I can't go to bed at night unless I read something or do a sudoku/crossword.
• I can talk a person to death. I could never understand why that should be a problem, till my 5-year old started talking to me.
• I married my husband hoping he'll be rich. As it turns out, he married me for the same reason
• I'm shit scared of drowning & of water. I've spent the last 6 months trying to learn how to swim, and I still can't
• I used to be a morning person; but somewhere along I stopped being that. Now I can barely open my eyes until I'm prodded awake by my husband or sons or both.
• I can feed my kid, take him for a pee pee, cuddle, read him a story, whatever in the middle of the night while being asleep
• I believe in god, but not in religion
• I'm bothered when I see participants in reality shows ask for votes based not on their talent, but where they come from.
• I have a fabulous relationship with my parents, though I sometimes wish I was closer to my eldest brother
• I don't have any favourites - in books, movies, music, colour, nothing. I don't think anyone needs to be pigeon-holed like that
• I really like myself. I think I'm a very likeable person...I also like to laugh, a lot. Mostly, I laugh at myself.
• I can't drink alcohol - in any form. i think it tastes yucky. It beats me how people can enjoy it so much
• I wish I could sing or draw. I really really want to; but I can't - for nuts.
• I think the secret to world peace is tolerance...I am often shocked at how intolerant the world is slowly becoming; and worry about how it will be when my kids grow up. 40 years ago, Afghanistan & Iran were both free, tolerant,independent & thriving ...look at them now
• I feel Man is a parasite of the worst kind
• I love food; any food, as long as its vegetarian. I especially love desserts.
• I think I started travelling too late. I want to travel more, see more, and some more. I am looking for donors to this cause.
• I think my kids are secretly Chinese. I'm sure they'll marry Chinese girls when they grow up. That's why I'm learning Mandarin.
• I desperately miss working.
• I can text message really really fast. You'll be surprised.
• I love to shop. I'm only constrained by money, never by energy.
• I'm very opinionated. I can give an opinion on almost anything
• I don't know a thing about make up. I also don't know a thing about rocket science
  

Bonus Note: I just started writing. I never knew I had it in me. I love it, but am learning that its difficult to write if I'm given a storyline or framework

My learning experience

I had a big learning experience today.

It all started like this....Every once in a while, I start getting very jittery and insecure about my looks (well, I AM a woman, and this proves it!) So today I landed up at the salon to get my unruly locks into some semblance of order. Normally, I do so by getting the damn thing cut; but I guess something I had eaten had probably addled my brain, so I signed up for a session of permanently straightening my hair.

I coined a new explanation for torture today. Torture = 3 hours of sitting in the salon while the stylist applies some awful smelling gooey stuff to your hair, then wait till the smell has permeated to every cell in your body, then wash it, then blow dry it, then apply something else, then wait, then wash, then iron, then apply something more, then wait, and then wash..... all while you pretend to enjoy it. Well I was tortured today, and if it had continued any longer, I swear to god - I would have killed myself or my hair stylist.

While I was smiling through this experience, I needed something to do. So I found some magazines. I flipped through them & felt a major attack of inferiority complex coming up. There's so much I'm woefully unequipped to deal with. I thought I knew all the answers; but today was the day of reckoning, of learning; and of being humbled -

• which is the best mascara (err...black?)
• how should you choose make-up (....choose whether you wear it or not?)
• how to keep your hands supple & soft (....you mean hands can be soft & supple?)
• how to please your man in bed (...lie down ?)
• how to make the bed (...you mean you don't just put a sheet on it ?)
• how to rear a emotionally well rounded child (....is there one in this world, look at me AND my friends)
• how to get stains off your sofa (...hmmm...try not sit on it?)
• which designer clothes to buy (ahmmm...hmmm...hmmm! okay, okay, I don't know this one; but then its not my fault - my husband never made enough money)
• how to wear pink & green (together).... (eeessshhh.... I don't want to!)

....and so on...

Man, there's a lot that you don't learn through Engineering & an MBA and then 8 years of consulting. My education has been so incomplete all these years; and no one told me about it...

Obviously this was just too much for my miniscule brain to take in one go. Feeling very morose, I flipped over some pages, only to land up on the section on Tell us your Dirty Secrets. Now this wasnt a section I was going to gloss over. No, no, no, a mature mind like me is always thirsty to learn more. So here's what I learnt are some people's dirty secrets-

- My husband is a male prostitute
- I made my sister my husband's concubine
- I caught my father-in-law molesting our maid
- We walk naked in our house on Sunday

My middle class morality said - Wow ! What education ! What learning ! What pillars of journalism !

....and then they want us to raise emotionally well rounded children....

Praise

After I started writing, I sent samples of my writing to some folks asking their opinion. From almost all quarters, i got positive reviews (ya, I'm full of it, aren't I). So gleefully, I land up to hubby....
Me: hubband, me getting good reviews, lah !
He: Well, what did you expect? you sent it to all your friends
Me: So...
He: You think they have a unbiased opinion?
Me: Why not? What do you think of my writing?
He: After being married to you, do you think I can give you an unbiased opinion?
Me: Cut the crap. Is it good or is it bad?
He: Well.....now that you want me to tell you...
Me: I accept only good reviews
He: Ask me no questions and you shall hear no lies
Me : Bah ! I don't want to know

....Is Praise appreciation? Is Praise admiration ? Or is Praise completely USELESS

What men want

After 8 odd years of marriage, I've finally discovered what men want. No, it isn't sex...though obviously that's always welcome..but I'm going to write about that another time.

After men get older, get married & have children (ha, ha ha suckers !!!), what these poor folks crave for is a good night's rest. Apparently its not so easy to get. I'm not surprised. Why, even in our family, our favorite game is musical beds. Yes, we play it every night. First Akrit & Neil go to sleep in their bed; and husband & I in ours. Then Neil calls out in the middle of the night (typically 1 am) - Mummy! tum here... neil wan' water / kaka / pee-pee / thomething. I get up, we have water / food /do pee pee or thomething; & then I find neil in my bed, usually between husband & me.
By 3 am its Akrit's turn. Ma! Ma ! Come here ! Right now ! I'm having a bad dream ! Scold bhagwanji (bhagwanji= god), tell him to give me good sapnas (sapna= dream). So I get up to go cuddle with Akrit, leaving Neil with hubband.
By 4 am, Neil has kicked husband for maybe the nth time (n tends to infinity by husband's accounts the next morning; but is probably 2 or 3 in reality); so husband moves to Akrit's bed. Of course, since I'm still there, its a tad crowded, so Akrit decided to leave & go to sleep with Neil in the big bed.
By 6 am, the kids have started fighting in their sleep. Daddddyyyyy, mmaaaaaa. Wake up, bhaiya pushing.... but neil hit me first & so on.... By 7, we're all up, kids happy; and us with dark black clouds looming on our heads...

Incidentally, if you lost track, that's what we call the game of Musical beds... Since this seemed to happen very often, I was concerned. Since this was a situation that didnt seem to have a cure, I thought of giving my husband a treat....so I looked for the next best thing that men could want.

I spoke to men, lots of men (...of course I had fun. What made you think otherwise!) ; and I figured that what they would never say no to are time-outs.

Time outs, you ask? Yes, time outs. Time out = a state when you're banished to your room & during that time no one is allowed to talk to you. Yeah, even I thought that time-out is a sort of punishment. My kids just hate it. Who wouldn't ? imagine, being left alone? not being allowed to talk? But men, no they just love it !
Men are quite strange creatures, I find. I mean, why would one want to escape a noisy, nagging, talkative wife, squabbling kids, constant jumps on the tummy while he's relaxing, the perpetual noise from the squeaky voices of mickey mouse, barney & thomas & dora & little einsteins while he's trying to read, the loving calls of dadddddy while he's watching a movie.... Why would anyone want to sit by the pool to enjoy the breeze, to watch the clouds go by with a chilled beer in his hand, while he tries to work out what's the best place to take a nap....all this fails me, you know...Its just so darn unnatural...
But then I believe men are from Mars, so this must be a martian thing. Then I learned something new - Men like two elements of time - one, time out (but we've talked about that already) and two, the Time magazine. With my huge research (with a sample size = 1 husband, mine), I discovered - Give a man both the times - a time out to read Time.......And, ooohh, baby, you hit the jackpot - you many as well go and shop for a big, big rock...

So ladies, pick up a new issue of the Time magazine, and get your shopping lists ready. See you at one utama

Who is Kaka

I'm not sure if you know who is kaka...so I thought I must introduce you to her. Officially she's my maid; but, I think of her as my wife... You object? Why? Because I'm a woman? So?

...Am I gay?
No, I'm not ! Very happily straight. You people!

...Women don't have wives ?
Why not? Can't understand this? OK let me explain this in another way...

I have a young woman in my house - she cooks for me, she cleans for me, she takes care of the kids while I'm away....She greets me with a smile when I get home, ; gives me a hot cuppa tea (or coffee, depending...) when I've had a hard day. She gives me what I need (No, NO, NO! please don't let that brain of yours run away with all those naughty thoughts... chi chi, what is this, huh?) In a lot of cultures, including India, a person who does that for you is often tagged "wife".

See, that makes her my wife

You will admit that some people secretly worry about their wives leaving them for better prospects. You know, I totally empathize. I feel the same way - what if she goes away? What will i do? Anyone will be lucky to have her...so why is she still with me? Do I make her happy, Do I get her enough, Does she like me, Is she comfortable with me?

My life will fall apart if she leaves me... how will I manage the house, the cooking, the cleaning, the kids? Oh God, no, no no ! Please don't let that happen ! I need her, the kids need her....

Well.... reality is, I don't know why she's with me. I'm just happy that she is...

My kids adore her. She takes care of them, she plays with them. She kisses their scratches better & makes the monsters go away. She gives the kids love & consoles them when the grown-ups yell at them. She cooks their favorite food, she breaks up fights & slips in a small treat every once in a while. When no one's home, the kids know they're still safe & secure because kaka's there to look after them.

So yes, that makes kaka my wife - It may not be legal but....I DON'T CARE. I'm really glad I have her; for however long she's content to be with me...

And, what will I do when she goes away?
Well, I'll be angry, I'll be hurt, I'll shout and cry "why me, god; why me?" I'll think about the good times we had; and think about what I did wrong... I'll sit & discuss the situation with my girlfriends; may be, get drunk & foolish, fight with Alok & blame him. Soon people will tell me that it wasn't meant to be... They'll shy away from discussing it any more & stop wanting to babysit a teary-eyed me...

... And then slowly, I'll pull my life together...till one day, I realize I'm okay...
Soon, I'll go out, talk to an agent and get another one....

I start blogging

After 2 years of having absolutely nothing to do, I've decided to turn a new leaf. It is the new year, Obama has taken over & the world is looking brighter. Though what Obama's taking over has to do with me, I can't explain; but then everyone feels hopeful, so maybe I should too....

So I've decided I should do something new. I looked for a job, found none; tried spending time with the kids, and they shooshed me away (ma! go away ! I'm playing!)...Where do I escape to, except the internet. Friend suggests blogging. I say, about what ! They say, Just do it!

Just do it, huh? Husband often asks, so what did wife do today? hmmm... writing sounds different from "nothing much" ....and it cant be too difficult, right? I did write letters when I was 10...

So I'm all set...I've taken a bath, cooked some sweets (you have to look your best & have food ready, in case people insipred by your blog come knocking by)..and get down to serious work...

Now what shall I write about?hmmm... Think think think

....and the bell rings...its the courier - madam, can sign here, ah? please write IC number....oh pen! sorry lah, i forgot. can borrow, ah?
Ca-aaan! I donate a pen....


I still cant figure out what to write so I decide to pick up my 2 year old from the nursery. We get back, and he's like -Ma? kaka where? neil show kaka butterfly. Ma wants to see the butterfly too, doll; but no no no - first viewing rights belong to the girl friend! So I dutifully reunite him with the love of his life...


With Neil now (hopefully) occupied, I sit down & think. I'm sitting, thinking and after 30 minutes; I'm getting thunked out. All I can think of is - what to think about? I do think strangely, dont I? Thankfully kaka arrives- Mum, you still wanting thai curry tomorrow? But don' have lime lif! how to make ?

And, with amazing timing, the phone rings too...its hubby dear - Wi-ife, did we pay the kids fees; and by the way, how much was it?

Finally, I understand ! God is telling me something - I'm not supposed to do any thinking, and definitely not any writing... I should stick to what I do best - nothing much. So here I am eating the gulab jamuns I made this morning (hmmm... hmmm....nice) and doing - nothing much